Trump is Right: We Need to ‘Heel’


Today Donald Trump unleashed his eloquence upon his subjects once more:

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Now, Trump might be a little off here on grammar and style; “in order to” is a grotesque waste of syllables when just to will do. And there seems to be some misunderstanding as to the space that should normally follow a punctuation mark and precede the word that follows it. As to “decade,” it should either have the article a before it or an s added to it.

But the substance of Trump’s message is sound, and who in America hasn’t been feeling the same way? Inspired by our president, I drafted the following note to my German Shepherd Dog Laney, and I have read it to her several times now:



I think it’s time we talked. I tire of your anti-human bigotry and the way you think that any problem can be solved by force — as when you subvert the fiction that it is I who am walking you by turning your end of the leash into a runaway locomotive, hauling my hapless fat ass along the jagged course of your frenzied lizard-chasing frolics and detours like a weightless dinghy.


You don’t respect me, and you don’t listen to me; you don’t even hear me. If ever we are to get through all this as a great and united household, Laney, it is time for us to HEEL.




That’s right, Laney, it’s time for us (you) to heel. And you too, you old crotchety grumpy bastard!


In fact, both all y’all (I learned on arriving in Tampa that y’all is singular and the plural is all y’all) need to commit to the heeling process.


Here’s hoping that President Trump’s call for heeling was as helpful in your household as it was in mine.